All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
