i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Drake has all the answers
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
