Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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