The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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