You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
