Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
