So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
