i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
