I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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