this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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