He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
