I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
