Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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