my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
