I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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