you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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