I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I touched a dick in church today
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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