Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
