I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
