I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
