I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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