I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
