They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
