Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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