Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
