Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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