I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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