Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
