hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This baby is an asshole
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
