well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
