I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone shit on the floor
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
