before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
