she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
