This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
