I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
