i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you have to choose: penises or morals?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
