cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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