What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
