think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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