Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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