Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
