don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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