The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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