So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
