Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
