he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
