This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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