Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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