we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
my poor anus
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