Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
