i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
