i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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