im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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