Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
