11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
