you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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