Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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