Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
