I feel like abortions should bother me more
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
