I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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