I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
