from now on my penis is your penis
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
