my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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