I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
